"my legs don't look right"

These are words that I have told myself in my head a million times in my lifetime…well in the lifetime where I began caring about those things…but when they came out of the mouth of my 10 year old daughter who inherited the same ultra curvy, muscular and sometimes ultra large feeling stems (sometimes feeling WAY bigger than necessary to hold up the barely blossomed “blooms” on the upper half—which is another whole post about getting “right” with your body!), my heart dropped to my toes and broke into a million pieces.  I have long since come to terms with the shape of my body—not at all to say that I don’t try to improve it almost on a daily basis (yikes!) but I have been able to see the goodness that it is.  Yes, I have big old legs but they are strong and shapely and have served me well as I have gone about my life business!  I have come to terms with it BUT its been a journey!

I remember being close to her age when I first discovered that I didn’t quite match up to the girl in my head…my grandparents had gone on a trip to Hawaii and had sent my siblings and I some souvenirs.  My brothers got drums and whatever else boys get excited about and I received a coconut bra and grass skirt!  I loved to dress up so this was right down my ally! I had imagined putting them on and strutting around outside like a Polynesian goddess—you know, like one of those dashboard hula girls (not a lot of life experience)—yeah, like that.  Well, not so much.  I caught one glimpse of myself in the downstairs window of my house and said to myself—literally—“you look like an idiot!” I went back inside and never put that stupid coconut bra on again—(actually now that I think of it-that could be the solution to my upper body situation…hmmm)

I remember praying as an adolescent –literally praying, on my knees, arms folded eyes closed the whole shebang-that I would not be fat. I remember looking down at those giant quad muscles when I was sitting and thinking “holy crap-I am a whale!” I remember always wearing shorts with my swimming suit because I was too self conscious.  I remember wearing tan colored nylons with my cheerleading skirt because “tan fat looks better than white fat”. Which beteedubs is the ONLY kind I have—white.  Another glorious gift I have passed to my girls.  I am trying to convince them that being day glow white means your skin is actually not damaged-it also comes in handy when trying to pick my older daughter out at swim team---she is the brightest on the whole team. So proud.  Anyway, I digress. I remember guys in high school telling me they wanted my legs…not like “you are so HOT, I WANT your legs.” But like “I WANT your legs instead of mine” Not exactly what a 16 year old girl wants to hear-my take away—“you have man legs.” Awesome.  Casper was my nickname—as in Casper the friendly ghost (at least I was friendly, right?). I remember being asked if I was embarrassed by my white skin…first of all, what kind of freaking question is that!?-----I wouldn’t take that now so don’t even try it.

Along the way somewhere between all the negative messages I heard from the world, the media, “friends” blah blah blah…I have figured out that this is me!  It’s me and it’s just the way I was made.  I was made like this and there must be a reason. It only took me decades. Decades of undoing the messages I heard in my head.  I still struggle from time to time-especially when trying to find dab gum knee high boots that don’t cut the circulation off at the calf—I am getting older and that has brought it own set of body struggles and health struggles but at this point I am trying to own it and live free.  I have no choice.

If I want to help my girls on their journey of acceptance I have to accept it myself.  How can I tell my 10 year old that she is perfect and that there isn’t ANYTHING wrong with her legs, that their fair skin is beautiful and that those “little parts” are just perfect and then turn around an criticize those same things.  I am what they see in the mirror (Heaven help us all)-I have to reflect acceptance and love if they are ever to have it for themselves.  And that is pretty high up on the list for things I want for my girls.  They are beautiful and unique and most of all they were made by an all knowing and loving God who, so far, as gotten pretty much everything right.  My prayers have changed from help mw to not be fat to help me be okay if I am and help me to teach my girls that they are yours and they are perfect and lovely and amazing.  Help me to drown out those voices in their heads and replace it with me--my actions and my voice and my love. Let me be the reflection of what I want them to see.  Love of self, acknowledgement of my divinity, acceptance of the “not right” parts of me….

Betty May Chamberlain Wells

My Grandma died during these last few months of blog boredom. She has been fading for a few years now but had been fending it off. After a final heart attack she was sent home on hospice care to be with her family until the end....during the first few days of being home she told us that she was waiting until her 90th birthday. She died the day before because we think she decided it would be more fun to celebrate with her son, Larry, and her sisters instead. Up there she could dance and eat cake and REALLY celebrate! It was really hard to see her suffering and in the state between life and death for so many days. Grandma was very prim and proper and didn't like being seen without her hair in place and stockings on. She was an old school thinker, dancer and performer. She was fiesty and adventurous in her own right. I miss her lots and was reminded of that today when I went to go clean Grandpa's house and noticed he still has her old hair pins and perfume bottles sitting on her vanity. We are so grateful for her courage in accepting the message from 2 young 19 year old boys and being baptized in the church so that we can have the peace that we will see her again!

Okay, so this is soooo white trash but my Grandma was buried in California and my dad thought it would be really nice if we borrowed that thing (kind of a midget motor home) and drove her to California (that is her in the back of the truck...I know) and let her see the beach one last time before we buried her. I think she came down and turned her body over a few times just to let us know how she felt about it! We looked ridiculous but Grandpa wouldn't let that coffin out of his sight so...sorry Grandma it was all your husband and son's idea!It was the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen...only the best for Grandma, that was so her.

My kids in the "RV". It was a fun trip for them and the first time they have had any experience with death. The glove lesson has been taught by each one of them at FHE since then, it is now their favorite to teach about the resurrection with the purple glove!

I am sure she is dancing in heaven right now in a beautiful dress designed by Larry and I know my Grandpa can't wait to be her partner again!

catch up attempt #1

What every woman wants on Mother's Day, a shirtless man vacuuming her house, sticking his bum out no less.
Awesome soccer player, he still beat boxes when he has got the ball.

Reading to the boys, love these moments.

Quattro won a writing award for the district, his Tooth Story won over hundreds of other Kindergarteners. We are very proud!

Tres as a ballerina, so cute.

Tres's 5th Birthday! She is five...HOLY COW!

Holy Moly!

I have been avoiding coming on here because seeing the date December 6th is so overwhelming and depressing! It has been waaaaay too long and there is a good reason for it.

I am lazy/busy and feeling very uninspired/too inspired! Nothing cool to report on and sooo much to report on at the same time makes for a very difficult time figuring out what to write about...does that make sense?

So anyway, a quicky update to be followed up by a really good update later but now things are way to crazy to get it all laid out.

1. we are moving. June 11th. Just two streets over but still is a lot of work. especially because it is followed up by a lot of stuff that leaves me wishing I could be cloned to get it all done. Including refinishing an entertainment center, 2 captians beds, and a china hutch and making (from scratch mind you) a washer dryer pedastal. Pics when done.

2. I have nothing else to say. Other than my life has exploded into a daily dose of work, taking care of house, running children to and fro, menu planning and meal fixing, saving while spending money, and other really fun blog worthy topics! Sounds fun huh? Ahh the life of a woman.

Now you know why I have not been blogging.

But here is a picture anyway.

See and this is how busy I am-I don't have time to go searching for a picture that is not a close up of my big ol' booty climbing a mountain but who are we kidding is there really an angle that would be better? Not really so, oh well. This is my butt. In all it's glory, harnesses and all.

...hey I do have blog worthy things in my life!

I should just look at my pictures for inspiration...like this picture:

totally inspirational. He's in a bucket. Weirdo. And nice balloon sword.

cards

want one? address please! if you don't want to post it you can email it to bethyrudd@yahoo.com

Our break

We actually got away for a few days! I know, it only took us 10 years. It was much needed and it was so much fun. So here are some pics to get you jealous that you weren't with us.

This is me sailing. I was also peeing my pants I look like I am smiling but really the wind just dried my teeth off and stuck mylip like that. I have a little fear of the water and the boat was at "full tilt" and there is a really good reason why it is called that. See the horizon. IT wasn't the one tilted. That was us and for most of the time I was standing in a side lunge just to keep myself from tipping out of the boat. It was awesome and I am hooked! This is hubby. He got to steer on the way back in...aka when it got easy. I decided he is better at driving because he was WAY less tense and I am better at running around tacking and working the lines. I feel so cool that I know what all that means...no really I do. We were on a Capri 38 (called that cause it was 38 feet-again feeling cool)---gorgeous huh? We added this to our list of "things we will own someday" right between beachhouse and private plane. It was so awesome to sail this thing! So much speed and adrenaline! Can't wait to take the kids next time!
Out on open water while out instructor handled things long enough for us to snap a quick picture. This is a very close up shot and i think I may have a receding hairline and I hate that my right eye is a little smaller than my left...it is because I can raise my left eyebrow so my muscles are stronger around that eye. Try as I might I CANNOT get my right eye to follow suit. FYI not that I am critical of myself but seriously who can help it with a picture this close with a flash after 2 hours of being wind whipped and 6 hours riding in the car? blast you digital.

We went here...CA Adventure. We had never been before and we decided that we won't ever go again without visiting Disneyland too, it just wasn't the same. See how clever we are, we stood in front of the R cause out last name is RUDD!?
Mr. Rudd and Mr. Spudd. No relation but the resemblance is uncanny! A little sidenote, when I graduated from BYU we had to write our name and how it was said on a card so that they didn't mess it up by saying "Rude" (yeah it happens) instead of Rudd so I wrote "R-U-D-D rhymes with Spud, like a potato" and then when Tait got his bachelors and then his Masters we did it again. So now I feel a special connection to Spud's not to mention I graduated from Ricks which is in Idaho-you know, where they grow potatos. Hence the picture.Me being scared on the Ferris Wheel. But not just any ferris wheel, a scary one. Seriously, I thought we were going to die and check out that Freaky Mickey chasing me.
This is the best and, yes, I am the white trash that takes a picture of a screen so as not to have pay money to get a picture of myself with a bunch of strangers. (weird concept--have you ever run into someone that you can swear you recognize? check your photo album they may have been sitting next to you on the Tower of Terror) But look at us...and then look at the little girl sitting next to us. Cowards! Disclaimer: it was our first time? yeah, it doesn't help me feel better about it either.
This is us being muppets while waiting for the 3-D Muppet extravaganza. There was no wait at this "ride" and now we know why.
This is us after we left the 3-D Muppet Extravaganza 5 minutes after it started and right after a Do-do bird exploded in my face. Seriously people 3-D isn't a new concept...
This is our friend Olga, she was afraid of getting wait and rightly so because it was getting dark and walking around in wet jeans=chaffing. Some people were making fun of her but I say better to be made fun of for a minute than to be chaffed for hours. Smart, smart lady.All in all I give it 2 thumbs up. Here's to another 10 years! May my sanity last until then.

Wait, do I know that guy?!

Halloweiners a little late

Now that I have seen yours I will show you mine... (hee hee wink wink)

Spanish Dancer

"I am a robot, I am a robot"

Super girl

"rrrraaaaaarrrrrrr" Dragon going as LL Cool Jay

We went to a Trunk or Treat. It was fun. Tait and I dressed up as Barbie and Ken pre plastic surgery. We won best costume. We were VERY beleivable-I think I should be a little bit offended. I was the before picture.

Now you are caught up on our Halloween. Exciting huh?